My Skin
by darkenedroom
Summary: Kate remembers the last Christmas she spent with Jack.


**Author's notice: I chose the song "My skin" by Natalie Merchant.**

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><p><em><strong>Kate's POV<strong>_

A wild wind hits furiously against the window. I'm lying in bed, but I can't sleep. My body is rolling over to the left and to the right in an agitated way and when I decide to try to sleep, I just hug my knees. I was not able to eat anything during the Christmas lunch; I'm feeling sick and sad; so I managed to lie in bed for a while, whereas I couldn't sleep last night.

**Take a look at my body**

**Look at my hands**

**There's so much here that I don't understand**

My effort is useless, I decide to get up. The bedroom walls suffocate me; I immediately need to leave here. I wear some warm clothes and a big overcoat to face the winter outside. I down the stairs and when I reach the living room; Claire glances at me in a pity and puzzled look at the same time.

-Kate, couldn't you rest?

Watching my clothes, she asked me another question:

-Wait, are you leaving?

-Yes, I am. I need to go for a walk to distract.

-Do you want some company? My mother is having dinner with me; she can stay and take care of Aaron. He didn't sleep very well yesterday because he wanted to be awake and wait for Santa Claus and the gifts. I don't know why I tell him that Santa appears at the houses in the night, when children are sleeping, then, on the next day, they wake up and find their gifts under the Christmas tree. He felt asleep after a long time, but today he has been sleepy the entire day. Now he is taking a nap. Kate, are you sure you don't want my company?

-No, Claire, I want to be alone just a little. Thank you.

I give a shy smile to assure her that I'm fine. I keep looking down, I don't want her to notice that I'm about to cry. Before it happens, I turn around and quickly walk towards the door.

Since we left the island and came back home it has been this way, everybody asks me how I fell, if I'm ok, where I am going, what will I do... I perfectly understand their concern, but every time they asked me these questions, I actually ask myself how I'm feeling and suddenly I remember everything that happened, over and over.

**'Cause I've been treated so wrong**

**I've been treated so long**

**As if I'm becoming untouchable**

Everything get worse during these holidays, Christmas, New Year's eve..., when we think about our future and analyze the past year.

I walk through the neighborhood sidewalks and watch the houses nearby with the lights on, in the living room; although it's evening, the sun barely appeared today and it's getting dark. I listen to the voices, people are around the table, probably eating and toasting. A grandmother sits down on the chair, at the porch, carefully watching two kids running in the front yard, maybe they are her grandchildren.

Happiness is everywhere. The wind blows against my face; I feel my cheeks becoming red due to the cold air; I put my hands in my pocket and walk in a shrink manner. I look to the sky and close my eyes for a while, trying to breathe the frosty air and fell that breeze touching the skin of my face. And then, my thoughts betray me, my consciousness escapes and I get his image in my mind.

_When I saw the table set with sandwiches, cookies, some fruits and two candlesticks, I said:_

_-Jack, this is not the type of Christmas food I was waiting for... Besides, the celebration is just tomorrow. _

_-I know this, you were mad at me; as a result, you didn't want to plan anything special. I'm sorry, I know that I won't be with you both tomorrow, so I decided to bring forward the dinner, but I promise you next year we will do everything by the book, some roast, soufflé, mashed potatoes, apple pie, family and friends reunited..._

_-Well, I will charge..._

Promises. Promises that will not be accomplished because we didn't have enough time. We missed a lot of things, our dreams interrupted, plans we didn't make…

**Your face-saving promises**

**Whispered like prayers**

**I don't need them**

**Well, contempt loves the silence**

**It thrives in the dark**

**With fine winding tendrils**

**That strangle the heart**

**They say that promises sweeten the blow**

**But I don't need them**

**No, I don't need them**

Tears come streaming down my face as I feel something damping the tip of my nose. I open my eyes and realize it is snowing. Little snow flocks are falling from the sky, as white as polystyrene.

**I'm a slow-dying flower**

**In the frost-killing hour**

**Sweet turning sour and untouchable**

I manage to walk again, although I'm walking in a slow manner, afraid of falling on the wet floor. I arrive home again, but I decide not to enter. Instead, I go to the backyard and sit in Aaron's swing. I look at the horizon and fold my arms, pulling the sleeves of my coat to cover my hands in a better way. And now, another memory strongly overwhelms me. I remember last Christmas again.

_I was very angry. I had quarreled with Jack because he would be working at the hospital on December 25th. In a selfish attitude, I said a lot of bad words to him, I blamed him for not caring about me and Aaron; after all, he considered his work more important than us. _

_I didn't mind planning the dinner for the next day, why should I do it; I would spend the Christmas alone, right? I decide to go sleep early that night and I didn't wait Jack, I was so upset and mad! Aaron was eager, he wanted to stay awake until Santa Klaus arrives, but his plans were ruined due to his sleep. I put him in his bed and went to my bedroom. _

_I felt asleep when a little hand anxiously shook me._

_-Mommy, mommy, wake up!_

_-Aaron? What happened, have you had a nightmare again?_

_-Let's go, mommy._

_-Where do you want to go, baby?_

_Aaron was pushing me, so I rubbed my eyes, which were still blurred and I decide to get up to understand why he was calling me so bad. I took a jacket and we downed the stairs, holding hands. We got in the kitchen and Aaron asked me to close my eyes. _

_-It's a surprise, mommy. _

_Aaron guided me towards the backyard. There he was, Jack, standing next to a big Christmas tree, which was completely adorned._

_-What..._

_-Did you like, mommy? I helped him to decorate it. _

_Aaron couldn't even allow me to finish the sentence, with such a big enthusiasm in his voice; he was jumping for joy._

_-Wait, the show goes on... There it is..._

_Jack turned on the blinking lights, which were flashing on and off its colors, standing out the details of the Christmas tree ornaments._

_Aaron was watching it without blinking, completely flabbergasted at the lights. He was distracted, so I took the chance to approach Jack with a smile stretched from ear to ear. _

_-I'm so sorry, Kate, I wish I could be with you tomorrow afternoon, but..._

_I didn't allow him to apologize; I was on tiptoes and just shut his mouth with a lovely and gentle kiss._

_-That's ok, Jack, what matters is the fact that you are here at this moment. _

_I looked around and noticed that Aaron was still touching the ornaments. I touched Jack's face and once more we kissed, in an intense and passionate way, a kiss as nice as those kisses after we bury the hatchet._

**I need the darkness, the sweetness**

**The sadness, the weakness**

**Oh, I need this**

**I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight**

**Angel, sweet love of my life**

**Oh, I need this**

_After a while, we opened the gifs, Aaron was enchanted with the big plush whale that Jack gave him. And then, we decided to have our offhand dinner, with any special food, but it was the most special occasion we lived in family. _

I cry when I remember that night, every detail keeps alive in my mind like if it had happened two seconds before. Those laughs, those jokes, that peace. I raised my right hand onto my mouth; my fingers touch my lips as if this move could bring me back his warm kisses.

**Do you remember the way**

**That you touched me before?**

**All the trembling sweetness**

**I loved and adored**

I suddenly stop thinking when I hear a voice calling me far away:

-Mommy, mommy!

-Aaron, what are you doing out here?

I immediately pull him and nestle him under my overcoat, giving shelter and protecting him from the snow.

-It's very cold, get inside our house!

-Ok... but before I do this, please, let me stay here just a while? I want to see the snow.

-Ok, just a minute, otherwise, your mommy will be mad at me. By the way, do you remember what I said to you? You can't call me "mommy" anymore because you know that I'm your aunt. If Claire sees you calling me this way, she will be very upset.

-I know, I'm sorry. It's just... sometimes I forget it.

-Weren't you taking a nap, naughty boy?

-I was, but I decided to get up. Yesterday I tried to stay awake to see Santa Klaus.

-And did you make it?

-No. But next year, I will be aware and stand still until I see Santa arriving with the gifts!

-Really? Will you bear?

-Yes, I will.

We keep in silence for few minutes, and then he breaks it:

-Were you crying?

-Me? No, no, honey, I'm just standing here to gasp for fresh air.

-Yes, you were, aunt Kate. That's ok, you don't have to lie to me, I got it. I'm missing him too.

Aaron hugs me tight and I couldn't help feeling surprise at his words. He is just a little child, how could he be so sure?

-Do you think he will be back one day?

How could I answer a question like that? I swallow my cry and I just don't know what to say. I can't explain him what happened, an adult wouldn't understand, how could a child understand it? I only have strength to splutter:

-I don't know...

-He will, I'm sure. Mommy Claire said he is in the sky, but I was thinking, the astronauts go to the sky too and they always come back. Maybe he will find somebody there who brings him back by rocket!

I couldn't help laughing at his creative mind. The innocence of the children makes us doing this, smile in a very sad moment. Their belief protects them against bad happenings of life. And it's contagious.

-Come on, let's get in, we already saw enough.

I take Aaron in my lap and, before I close the door, I look again at the sky; the snow is falling down nonstop and some thick white ice layer covers the grass. My heart is cut in little pieces; I'm missing him in every inch of my body. I miss Jack so much and I believe it will never stop.

**Well, is it dark enough?**

**Can you see me?**

**Do you want me?**

**Can you reach me?**

**Oh, I'm leaving**

**Better shut your mouth**

**And hold your breath**

**You kiss me now**

**You catch your death**

**Oh, I mean this**

**Oh, I mean this...**

So I made a decision, as known as New Year's resolution. From now on, I'm not going to be aloof. I will allow people to care about me, to take care of me because I need it; I need help from my friends because I don't want to fall. My pain will remain here, inside me, however, I want to put it on a corner, to kept it in the back of my mind and, from time to time, I will allow myself to set it free just a little, maybe in special holidays like this, a day in the year when it's possible to share the memories of people who we loved and will be forever in our hearts.

THE END


End file.
